Tips for Helping Kids Manage Emotions

When kids feel bombarded by difficult emotions, they may feel a sense of helplessness, as if there is nothing they can do to pull themselves out of the storm. As parents, we know effective strategies are out there to manage emotions, but knowing which ones to use in the moment can feel overwhelming. In his new book, “Shift: Managing Your Emotions – So They Don’t Manage You,” neuroscientist Ethan Kross shares the most current research on emotional regulation. He also offers a perspective on the functions of emotion and advises us against suppressing challenging emotions. Instead, he says to notice when their intensity or duration are doing you or your child more harm than good, and continue to gather an array of tools for shifting emotions out of high gear.

Before engaging in any conversation about strategies to manage emotions, Kross wants parents and kids to understand this: “All emotions are useful in their right dosages.” There is nothing wrong with you if you feel hurt or envious or scared. For kids and teens, “it’s comforting to know that if you experience anxiety at times – or sadness or anger or any other negative emotion – welcome to the human condition.”

Emotions serve a vital function by giving us useful information. Fear puts us on alert for danger. Anger can signal that we find a situation unjust. Loneliness can prompt us to seek human connection. Kross described sadness as a response to a change in how we experience the world. “Let’s say you lose someone you love or you’re rejected. Our world has now changed and we now need to make a new sense of what is happening,” said Kross. “So we have this emotional response that motivates us to withdraw, to pull away, to turn our attention inward to try to make meaning out of the situation.”

In addition, the body language of sadness can also send signals to other people that we need support. Once you start to see the various functions of emotion, said Kross, “it becomes a lot easier to understand the role they play in our lives and in our kids’ lives.” Kross also wants kids to know that “there are parts of your emotional experience that you can’t control and parts that you can.” For example, we can’t control the automatic emotional response we feel when we hear a startling noise. But once that emotion is activated, we can “shift it around – that’s where we have agency.”

Kross says that sometimes he will choose not to shift a difficult emotion. For example, if he has a really important deadline, he will feel some anxiety – but he doesn’t want to push away that feeling because it can help him focus. “The emotion is driving me to prepare. You don’t want to necessarily turn that off, but you want to turn down its amplitude.” But when do we use the emotional regulation tools or step in to help kids use them?

“It’s when the emotion gets too big or lasts too long,” said Kross. ”Those are the two telltale signs that your emotions may require some regulation.” This is a useful barometer for parents too: we don’t want to shield kids from difficult emotions, but we do want to keep an eye on the intensity and duration of their emotional storms. Shifting emotions is not about suppressing or denying our feelings, but rather about knowing that we can take steps to “change the trajectory” when our feelings are interfering with our goals or wellbeing, according to Kross.

When it comes to managing our emotional lives “there are no one-size-fits-all solutions,” says Kross. People often press him to name the top two or three regulation strategies, but his research has found that there is enormous variability in which tools benefit which people. And “not only different people,” he said, “but even the same person. The tools they benefited from on day one were often different from the tools they benefited from on day two or day five.” Having, and experimenting with, a diverse set of tools can strengthen our ability to lead emotionally healthy lives.

Allison Green
Boston Tutoring Services