Teaching Conflict Resolution to Children

Conflicts are a familiar part of everyday life in elementary school classrooms. Children today are quick to involve adults when problems arise, however, as they have become accustomed to constant adult supervision. While there is nothing wrong with seeking direction, especially when they feel uncomfortable, by doing this the children are learning nothing about doing the conflict resolution themselves, or about preventing conflicts from happening in the first place.

This is why it is important to teach student-to-student conflict resolution protocols in the classroom. Once children learn these protocols, pairs or small groups can independently explain their problems to each other, come up with reasonable resolutions, and follow through with changes in their behavior. But before children can learn to use any protocol independently, they need a firm grasp of some basic social skills, including: cooling off when upset; speaking directly, assertively, honestly, and kindly; listening carefully to others and accurately paraphrasing their words; and proposing solutions and agreeing on a solution to try.

As I take you through the six steps for conflict resolution for children, I will highlight where these skills come into play in each step. Teaching these skills does take time, but so does resolving the children’s conflicts for them, and teaching basic skills yields powerful benefits. You will end up with a more peaceable classroom and a firm foundation on which the children can build further conflict resolution learning in later grades. Here is how you should go about teaching conflict resolution to children when a problem arises:

1. The children cool off (skill: cooling off when upset). Research shows that stress-induced changes in our bodies impede logical thinking and increase aggression. Taking steps to calm ourselves allows us to do the clear thinking and careful listening needed for peacefully resolving problems. Have the children to take a few breaths or even a small break before returning to resolve the conflict if appropriate.

2. The first child–the aggrieved party–states the issue (skill: speaking directly, assertively, honestly, and kindly). Children experienced with student-to-student conflict resolution use “I-statements” to say why they’re upset (example: “I felt bad when you said I couldn’t play with you”). By focusing on her own feelings, the upset child gives her partner space to listen calmly and openly, without feeling attacked or defensive. For children who are just learning the basic skills, “you-statements” are acceptable, however.

3. The second child listens and paraphrases what she heard (skills: listening and paraphrasing; speaking directly to each other). This is the most important step! Often we’re so focused on our own needs or hurts that we don’t truly listen to the other person. In order to paraphrase what their partner said, the child must listen, and that listening helps move them toward understanding their partner’s point of view. It also makes the partner feel heard.

Younger students may find echoing their partner’s words easier than paraphrasing. Additionally, children often can’t state their understanding because rather than listening carefully, they were busy preparing their defense, so you may need to have the partner repeat what she said.

4. The second child states his or her point of view (skill: speaking directly, assertively, honestly, and kindly). This step shows children that in these kinds of conversations, they will have an opportunity to speak. This helps them wait their turn and focus on listening. If the child tries to interrupt their partner at any time, tell them that right now they just need to listen, but that in a moment they will have their own turn to speak.

5. The first child listens and paraphrases what he or she heard. Then the process continues until both children feel they have been fully heard (skills: listening and paraphrasing; speaking directly, assertively, honestly, and kindly). It’s important for you to model patience and thoroughness in stating all the reasons for a conflict, so take the time to have the students fully state all of their feelings. Unspoken grievances will fester and result in more conflict later on.

6. The children reach a solution (skill: proposing solutions and agreeing on a solution to try). It’s important for children to learn to listen respectfully to each other’s ideas for solutions. If either child had reacted disdainfully to her partner’s idea, you must immediately redirect her to state her objection in a positive, helpful way. Keep going until both partners agree on a solution.

But the process isn’t over yet! Agreeing on a plan is one thing; actually following through is another. When children are just learning to resolve problems, they need your supportive check-ins to make sure the agreed-upon solution is working for both of them. Within a few days, you can simply ask each of them, “How’s that plan going?” You may not even need to bring it up again directly, as sometimes observing if their behavior toward one another has changed is enough.

When we patiently guide children in using basic problem-solving skills for conflict resolution, we get them back on track so they can continue their academic and social learning, but we also accomplish much more than that. We give children a chance to experience themselves as problem-solvers able to take responsibility for dealing directly with one another when they’re upset. We nurture in them kindness, consideration of others, respectful assertion of their needs, and cooperation, and these are habits and skills that will serve them well for a lifetime.

Allison Green
Boston Tutoring Services