Helping Your Child Make Friends

Making friends looks a little different for everyone. We all want our children to make and have friends, but what can parents actually do to to help? Here are some tips for helping your child make friends.

1. Teach conversational skills. To make new friends, kids need to learn how to introduce themselves to others and think of appropriate things to say. They also need to learn how to listen well and to provide conversational feedback — to show that they understand what another person is expressing. How do we foster these skills? We can help by modeling good communication skills at home and engaging our kids in pleasant, reciprocal conversations.  In addition, we can help by actively teaching kids what to do and say. For instance, kids benefit when we teach them the art of “active listening,” or when a person makes it clear that he or she is paying attention by making appropriate eye contact, orienting the body in the direction of the speaker, remaining quiet, and making relevant verbal responses.

2. Nurture empathy. Kids need to do more than control their own negative emotions; they also need to understand the emotions and perspectives of others. Aren’t these things supposed to come naturally? Maybe, but “naturally” doesn’t mean automatically, without encouragement and support. There are concrete things that parents and teachers can do to help kids develop their emotion-savvy. Start by modeling empathy for your child yourself at home. Make caring for others a priority and set high ethical expectations. If children are to value others’ perspectives and show compassion for them, it’s very important that they hear from their parents that caring about others is a top priority, and that it is just as important as their own happiness.

3. Show your child how to make amends. It happens to everyone. We mess up. We make a bad judgment. We cause harm or bad feelings. What happens next? If we are shamed or “cancelled” for our mistakes, we tend to focus on our own negative emotions. We may feel humiliation, resentment, and even anger. And that doesn’t help us repair our social relationships. Far from it. By contrast, consider what happens if we feel a sense of guilt. Feeling guilty can be constructive. We reflect on how our actions have affected others. We empathize with our victims. And it inspires us to try to repair the damage we’ve caused. The difference is crucial for making and keeping friends.

4. Address disruptive or aggressive behavior. Behavioral problems can pose a major social barrier to making friends, as kids tend to avoid or shun peers who act out in aggressive ways. Show positive attention and provide praise when you catch your child being good. Ignore minor behavior in favor of choosing your battles and focusing on the bigger behaviors. Provide as much consistency and routine in their life as you can, and be a positive role model when it comes to self care behaviors.

Allison Green
Boston Tutoring Services