Being an Ally to LGBTQ+ Youth

Everyone deserves to live in a welcoming, loving world, and organizations like the Trevor Project strive to help make it so. The Trevor Project is an American nonprofit organization focused on suicide prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and questioning youth. If you are interested in learning more about being an ally to LGBTQ+ youth, please read on for excerpts from the Trevor Project’s guide for allies.

The first step to becoming an ally to transgender and nonbinary people is to learn more, so thank you for taking that step today. It can be tough for transgender and nonbinary people to bear the burden of educating others about their lived experiences. The Trevor Project’s Guide to Being an Ally to Transgender and Nonbinary Young People is an introductory educational resource that covers a wide range of topics and best practices on how to support transgender and nonbinary people. You’ll be able to better support the trans and nonbinary folks in your life and help to create a safer, kinder, more accepting world.

Understanding Gender Identity

Many people confuse sex and gender, or use the two interchangeably. Many also wrongly assume that sex defines gender. In reality, gender identity is living, growing, experience that can change over time, and is not necessarily tied to sex. It can be tough for transgender and nonbinary people to constantly educate or be subjected to the other’s curiosity. One of the best ways to be an ally is to educate yourself on the basics of gender identity and expression so you can better support others.

Sex is the classification of a person as male, female, or intersex. When we are born, doctors usually decide whether female or male will be listed on our birth certificate. This sex assignment at birth is typically based solely on one’s genitals, however sex characteristics also include chromosomes, gonads, and sex hormones. Intersex is an umbrella term used to describe variations in physical sex traits or reproductive anatomy that are present at birth or emerge spontaneously later in life, and differ from normative expectations of “male” and “female.” Someone’s sex characteristics is private information. When someone shares their gender identity with you, it is invasive and inappropriate to assume or try to deduce that person’s sex assigned at birth. Believe others when they say who they are, and support them.

Gender describes the internal experience of being a man, a woman, a nonbinary person, or otherwise. Every person experiences gender differently — and you cannot know someone’s gender by simply looking at them. Common genders include:

• Cisgender: people whose gender identity aligns with the sex they were assigned at birth.
• Transgender: people whose gender identity differs from the sex they were assigned at birth. Some folks might choose to receive certain gender affirming care but this is not necessary and each person should be allowed to choose what works best for themselves.
• Nonbinary: an umbrella term to describe people who experience their gender identity and/or expression outside of the male/female/ man/woman binary, including folks who are genderfluid, genderqueer, polygender, bigender, demigender, agender, and many others.

Using Names and Pronouns

Respecting the language that young people use to identify themselves is not only polite — it can save lives. Some trans and nonbinary people choose a new name that aligns with their gender. It can be something entirely new or a variation on their old name. The process of legally changing your name can be expensive and complicated, and may not be possible for someone right away. Be supportive of trans and nonbinary folks by honoring and using the names they choose regardless of whether their name has been legally changed.

A pronoun is a word that is used instead of a noun to refer to someone. We cannot assume someone’s pronouns in the same way we can’t assume people’s gender identities or names. It’s best to always introduce yourself with your pronouns when you meet someone new, which gives them the opportunity to share theirs. Make sure to remember people’s pronouns, and use them correctly.

Mistakes and Saying Sorry–What To Do If You’ve Offended Someone

While we rarely intend to hurt others, common mistakes such as forgetting a person’s pronouns, using their birth name instead of their chosen name, or misgendering a person can hurt feelings or even put another person’s safety at risk. In these moments, it’s good to have a roadmap for how to make things right.

1. Listen. Unfortunately, it’s common to avoid listening to those we’ve hurt whether intentional or not, as it inspires uncomfortable feelings of guilt and shame. Stay in your discomfort and be willing to listen, because this is how we can grow. Seek to understand and empathize with the other person’s lived experience.

2. Be Accountable. Take responsibility for your actions, privileges, and experiences that you hold which could contribute to your biases. Don’t dismiss what the person is sharing with you, justify your behavior, or defend your intentions. It isn’t helpful to the people who have been hurt, and it shifts the focus away from the people who have been harmed and onto your personal feelings of guilt, shame, or defensiveness. Remember, intention is not impact. The best apology is one that doesn’t make excuses or invalidate the other person’s feelings.

3. Commit To Do Better. Treat it as a learning experience. The most authentic apology is meaningless if there is no change or if the behavior is repeated consistently in the future. Being an ally means showing you care by doing better next time.

LGBTQ young people in search of support can contact The Trevor Project 24/7 through their TrevorLifeline at 1-866-488-7386, via chat at TheTrevorProject.org/Get-Help, or by texting START to 678-678.

Allison Green
Boston Tutoring Services