How to Help Boys Thrive

On her son’s first day of kindergarten, Ruth Whippman, author of BoyMom: Reimagining Boyhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity, stood by as a parent volunteer welcomed each child at the gate. Two nervous little girls walked in first, and the volunteer crouched down, his voice warm and tender: “Hi, sweetheart.” Then came Whippman’s son. The volunteer straightened up, his tone dropping an octave as he gave a hearty high five and said, “Hey, buddy!” In that moment, Whippman saw how boys and girls are often treated differently, even when they’re feeling the same emotions.

As she explores in her book, these subtle messages teach boys to “man up,” cutting them off from vulnerability, deep connections and intimacy. “By the time kids are five years old, they’ve already accumulated many thousands of buddy/sweetheart moments,” said Whippman. However, small changes in how parents, teachers and community members show up for boys can help rewrite that narrative and better support their emotional growth.

Point out the problem

The culture has grown a lot in the past few years at calling out how sexism affects young girls, but when it comes to boys it’s a different story, said Whippman “We just don’t have the equivalent tools or vocabulary or kind of social permission to call it out when it comes to boys,” she explained.

One way this shows up is in how boys and men are portrayed in books and movies. Whippman highlighted the popular movie Inside Out as an example. The young girl character’s brain is shown as a rich mix of emotions, but when they show the dad’s brain the emotions are watching sports or confused. “Often girls get given content that’s all about friendships and relationships and social-emotional dilemmas. Whereas boys get so much content about battles and fighting,” said Whippman. This normalizes the idea that boys do not have to be engaged in emotions or that they are not expected to have rich emotional lives. This is not only a disservice to boys’ relationships with themselves, but it can negatively affect the way they “track and manage other people’s feelings and other people’s emotions,” Whippman said.

Media with boy characters that experience and express emotions can be hard to find, but they do exist, according to Whippman. She recommended Gordon Korman’s The Fort, which is all about male friendship, and R.J. Palacio’s Wonder, a favorite of her sons. “It’s written with real complex, genuine interiority, which is usually reserved for female characters,” she said. For a family movie, she suggested The Speed Cubers, a documentary about Rubik’s cube champions that highlights male friendships and vulnerability.

Prioritize compassion over discipline

In the wake of the #MeToo movement and the spotlight on men behaving badly, Whippman felt a heightened sense of concern as she raised her boys. “It was almost like boys were just these predators in waiting,” she said. “The best you could do as a mom was to kind of minimize the harm.” Her first reaction was to be stricter and rely on discipline. However, after reading research by Alan Schore that showed boys are more emotionally vulnerable because the parts of their brains responsible for emotional regulation mature more slowly, she realized her approach might not be working as intended. “In our home, we’d been using sticker charts, rewards, and consequences. And I just thought, ‘Scrap all of this,’” she said. “They needed my support, not my chastisement.”

Whippman shifted her focus to connecting with her kids. She started spending more time with them, being more flexible when they misbehaved, and approaching their experiences with curiosity. The results, she said, were transformative and her relationship with her boys changed for the better. “We learn to be empathetic and caring by being empathized with and cared for ourselves. You can’t just shame a person into becoming a moral and caring person,” said Whippman. That doesn’t mean parents shouldn’t set limits, she cautioned. “It’s just a different orientation and approach. See your child as a human being who needs love, nurture, and support in that moment. Offer them grace, and believe they’re not acting out of ill will.”

Use positive touch

From the earliest days of life, parents tend to handle boys and girls differently, said Whippman. For instance, while roughhousing is more common with young boys, studies show mothers provide twice as much caretaking touch—like cuddling or soothing gestures—to baby girls. Over time, these differences can add up.

“Boys in our culture are one of the most touch-starved groups,” Whippman explained. Research supports this. This lack of positive physical connection can have lasting effects, but small, intentional actions can make a difference. Simple gestures like a hand on the back when they’re upset or a pat on the shoulder to acknowledge a job well done can help offset this pattern of low touch. “Of course, that doesn’t mean that we don’t need to nurture girls or we don’t need to nurture trans kids or kids of other genders,” said Whippman. “It’s just that boys have very specific gender socialization which affects them in very specific ways. And I think we need to be aware of that.”

Allison Green
Boston Tutoring Services