Building Relationship Repair Skills with Kids

For many teachers, building relationships is a priority in the classroom – they put in time and effort to incorporate strategies into lesson plans and daily routines to forge bonds with their students. But what happens when there’s a breakdown in communication or a relationship degrades over time due to conflict or disagreements? Developing a relationship is one skill; repairing that relationship when it becomes fractured is another, according to author and high school history teacher Dave Stuart. He says teachers will inevitably need to fix a relationship with a student, and developing the skills to do that is essential.

“I don’t think enough teachers understand that you will, unintentionally, despite your best efforts, cause relational damage,” he said. “The reality is that you’re going to cause offense, even if you don’t mean to, and so … you gotta get good at trying to identify when that happens and do something about it.” Stuart wrote the book “The Will to Learn: How to Cultivate Student Motivation Without Losing Your Own,” which delves into ways of instilling self-motivation in students. At the root of that motivation is having good relationships in the classroom. Since learning is hard enough, he wants to remove relational friction from that equation, likening relationship repair to weeding in the garden. “You know weeds are going to grow in a garden, so you just need to be aware of that if you want to have a good garden, and regularly scan for weeds and pull them out where they exist,” he said.

Repair comes down to three simple steps.

1. Be aware of when repair is necessary. When a student’s affect changes, it can often be the first sign of a fractured relationship, according to Stuart. Some examples are if a student who was typically outgoing with you has become more withdrawn, or a student who often greeted you at the start of class no longer does. Teachers must be aware of and notice changes in their student’s demeanor or emotional state.

2. Address it directly and talk to the student. The next step is to address the potential conflict by talking to the student directly, according to Stuart. The student can be pulled aside briefly in the hallway or during independent work, he suggests. The teacher can point out the change in the student and ask, “Is there anything going on that I should be aware of?” and “Have I done anything that resulted in this change?” Acknowledging there might be an issue can help in repairing the relationship. “Just bringing this up is … the lion’s share of working towards repair,” said Stuart. “I find that in many cases, addressing the change and asking if I’ve done anything will help.”

3. Take accountability and talk about what you can do better next time. The third step is for teachers to acknowledge if they have done something to cause the damage. “Teachers, we’re not perfect,” Stuart said. Be self-aware and reflect on whether something was said too harshly or said in a way that caused embarrassment. According to Stuart, it sounds like, “Yesterday, I corrected that task behavior I saw you doing, but I just don’t feel good about the way I did that, and I want to say that I’m sorry.”

Stuart says these three steps require minimal work and can result in a more enjoyable learning environment for both the teacher and the student. “I’m never trying to be … best friends or be the best teacher ever to my students, but I’m just trying to facilitate an enjoyable, productive experience,” he said. Cook says many young people think that adults don’t care for them or define who they are by their behavior. In separating “the deed” from “the doer,” the teacher is letting the students know that they have intrinsic value and redeemable qualities and that their behavior does not define who they are.

“We’re going to still hold students accountable for the behavior, but we don’t want the student to lose sight of … who they are,” Cook said. He added, in education, it’s not just about forging bonds with one another, but also about the quality of those connections. “I think educators who work towards identifying those concrete practices and then figuring out how … we fit them in based on the time we interface with students are going to see the [positive] outcomes,” said Cook.

Allison Green
Boston Tutoring Services